"Wisdoms" I've learned so far - "Wisdom #1": Your childhood story. Let it go.

“One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together.”

Author Unknown

"Wisdom #1": Your childhood story. Let it go.

We all have a child within us… the one with dreams, hopes and imagination. And we often carry unresolved stories like buried traumas, feeling unloved, betrayals, feeling rejected, broken hearts and wounded spirits, from our childhood into adulthood. These stories often drive our adulthood behaviour one way or another. As children, we are confused and can't tell our stories straight. As adults, we are mature and can clearly hear what the child within us is trying to say. At some point in our life we should re-experience, re-understand and repair our stories. This experience is awkward and surprising, but it's also very rewarding. We can't keep sending the child deep down in our unconscious mind. We should let the child go and be free. And we should let the stories go too. We can’t bottle up our emotions. We should unburden them.

My main story is growing up with an alcoholic father (unfortunately, not a soft and humorous one) and then having a fatherless childhood. Although I have never experienced a strong emotional impact of my dad’s alcoholism, sometimes I wonder if I would be a different person, if he didn't drink.

When my parents divorced, I felt such a relief - no more chaos at home. My dad had died when I was 32 (we met 3-4 times after the divorce). I never even thought about being fatherless till my 40s. My dad failed as a father, but he loved me unconditionally and tenderly. By tenderly I mean... Dad was usually sober in the mornings. On school days he would let me sleep till he prepared my school uniform, polished my shoes (people who lived in USSR or currently live in post-Soviet countries know that you need to polish your shoes daily there) and made me hot breakfast. Then he would gently wake me up at the very last minute, feed me breakfast and help me put on my shoes. Each time I would tell him to wake me up earlier next morning, but he never listened to me. He had tenderness for what I was and respect for what I was to become. My memories of him fade more and more every year, but I know that he will always be an inseparable part of my life.

My dad’s alcoholism and my fatherless childhood taught me to laugh and cry in the same sentence (children of alcoholics are also quick thinkers and have a great imagination). It taught me to accept loss and adore myself in all my imperfections, dignities and sins (did I tell you that I was born with a PhD in self-love?). It taught me not to yearn a childhood that I was never able to have and to put it in the closet (you never know when you may need your cool childhood you never had). It also taught me that there is no loneliness and that love is all around me (you basically can’t avoid it). The lessons were glorious, especially the one about love.

Love can be lost. Love can be found. Love lost and love found are romantically described in one of the never sent letters of Lenny Belardo (the Pope Pius XIII from “The Young Pope”) to a California girl he met before joining the priesthood. Lenny’s admiration and love touched me deeply. Enjoy the masterpiece of love below and the divine voice of Jude Law.

“What is more beautiful, my love? Love lost or love found? Don't laugh at me, my love. I know it, I'm awkward and naive when it comes to love, and I ask questions straight out of a pop song. This doubt overwhelms me and undermines me, my love. To find... or to lose?  All around me, people don't stop yearning. Did they lose or did they find? I can't say. An orphan has no way of knowing. An orphan lacks a first love. The love for his mama and papa. That's the source of his awkwardness, his naiveté. You said to me, on that deserted beach in California, "you can touch my legs." But I didn't do it. There, my love, is love lost. That's why I've never stopped wondering, since that day: where have you been? Where you are now? And you, shining gleam of my misspent youth, did you lose or did you find? I don't know. And I will never know. I can't even remember your name, my love. And I don't have the answer. But this is how I like to imagine it, the answer. In the end, my love, we have no choice. We have to find.”

What is more beautiful, my love? Love lost or love found?

Turning 50

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”

Joey Adams

In June 2016 I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I would be turning fifty in 352 days. My heart was racing, and my brain was telling me “You are becoming middle aged (not really, I am not in the middle)! You are entering an entirely new demographic group (not really again, I have already been offered a senior discount at Shoppers Drug Mart)!” There was something about turning fifty that freaked me out that night and left me sleepless.  

I literally had a panic attack. “What would I tell people when they ask me my age? I cannot even say “fifty” out loud to myself. Fifty is definitely not the new 40, fifty is 50! It is easy to accept that I could not turn back time. It is hard to accept that I could not turn heads anymore. F-i-f-t-y is scary!”  

At the end of my panic attack, I decided that I would not celebrate my fiftieth birthday and would just go away somewhere. The thought was so liberating. I would go to Tibet, Nepal or Bhutan (I could only picture myself somewhere in Himalayas) and come to terms with fifty there. Somehow, I thought that holy lands and high altitude would take all my worries away. I also decided to do a challenging kora (a walk circling a sacred site) around the base of Mount Kailash in Tibet and became a renewed person on my fiftieth birthday. Kailash is a sacred mountain for four faiths: Hindus, Buddhists, Jains and followers of the indigenous Tibetan religion of Bon. It is a very symmetrical peak of a distinctive diamond-like shape made of of black rock. They say that anything you have ever wanted to know about yourself can be found in Kailash. I would love to know more about myself! 

Then I started dreaming of meeting His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet… not in Tibet, but in Dharamsala, India, and other nice guys, such as Richard Gere. Feeling happy with my genius plan, I quickly fell back asleep.  

Fast forward 9 months. At the beginning of March 2017, I decided that the only way to turn fifty properly is to embrace and celebrate it. Am I not old enough, wise enough and lived long enough to be a joyful, sensual and in control woman to celebrate my millstone? I definitely am. I am not going to Tibet, or Nepal, or Bhutan (in the past 9 months I’ve also considered Hawaii, London, Alaska and Las Vegas). I will have a party.  

My birthday party “Fifty shades of LS” is in 2 months and it will be epic. I wish I could list all 50 “shades” of me, but you will probably get bored by #18. So here my “top 17” list: 

• I do not feel old (honestly, I do not).
• I have a freedom that comes with age (freedom to be nice).
• I can still rock a dress (despite my geriatric armpits, although they have never been perfect) and wear a bikini at the beach.
• I have a partial denture while I am waiting for my dental implants (actually, for a second surgery).
• I am wise as I can speak from experience (at least I think I am wise).
• I am powerful, driven and focused (most of the time).
• I feel happy every day and even extremely happy some days (this is my interpretation of meditation).
• I don’t have time for any nonsense (although sometimes I fake that I have time for nonsense, but it is basically in one ear and out the other).
• I am old enough to be confident (except for my armpits and jawline).
• I am still young enough to be hilarious (can you be old and hilarious?).
• I celebrate something every week (with wine; I do not think it is a bad habit, so I am sticking with it.)
• My husband and my sons are my best-best-best friends and loyal ones (they always have my back).
• I know who I am (translates I am nice to myself).
• I try to be non-judgmental, non-gossipy and kind (most of the time).
• I think sleep is the best meditation (actually Dalai Lama thinks so).
• I dream small and big dreams (one of them is to visit Tibet).
• I think life is full of beauty and love!

I can continue the list, but I also want to share with you some “wisdoms” I have learned in life so far. So I am going to place a period here (we should control our punctuation from time to time, right?) and work on my next post. LOVE you all!