Lost memories

How many memories have I repressed? Have I suppressed them? Have I lost them forever? Are they locked in a magical closet, and I have the key, but don’t know where the closet is?

Why don't I like fish or seafood? I lived by the Caspian Sea till I was 17 and loved fish and caviar before I turned 4 or 5. There is something fishy about me not liking fish and seafood.

Why don't I remember my brother well? Why don't I remember my brother when we were children? We were only three years apart. I left home when I was 17 years old, and he was 14. Is it because he died young at age of 29? Why don't I remember him when we lived in the same city for two years when we were in our 20s? Do I have a guilt that I am enjoying privileges that my brother did not live long enough to enjoy himself? Watching his son growing. Watching his son getting married. Watching his son turning into a man. Becoming a grandfather. Being there for your grandchildren.

I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed sitting on the floor of my living room for long hours when I had been told of my brother’s death. And with every sob, pain and anger flowed out of my body. I cried for him. I cried for my mom without him. I cried for myself without him. I cried until no more tears came. Then I felt deflated. I accepted my brother’s death. I felt no pain, just emptiness. I let my brother go. Did I let memories of him let go too?

Why don’t I remember my father well? Is it because he was an alcoholic? Is it because my parents divorced when I was 12? Is it because at my brother’s funeral I found out that my father had died two weeks before my brother?

I never really missed my father after my parents’ divorce. Is that bad? He was an amazing father, but his hard drinking brought chaos to my life. He loved me unconditionally, but it was not enough. He had tenderness for what I was and respect for what I was to become, but I didn’t care then. Three days after my brother’s death I accepted my father’s death. I didn't sob for my father. I just let him go, too. Did I let memories of him go too?

My memory loss is a bit sad. I want to remember my imperfect father and brother, as their hearts were filled with love and kindness. And I miss their love and kindness.